No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
