i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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