Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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