someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
