so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
