I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
