on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
