even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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