i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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