Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
