so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
