Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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