Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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