well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
