just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
