I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
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