He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
