based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
