Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize