I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
