No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
