Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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