I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
