Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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