found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
