The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
