Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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