you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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