Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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