Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
