She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize