It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
