If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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