I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize