i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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