true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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