he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Randomize
