So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
