I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
