You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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