im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
