I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
