mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
