You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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