I think my fart just growled at me.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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