I think i peed on brittanys purse
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
