I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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