I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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