i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
