WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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