don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
