dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
