Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
