So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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