Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
