I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Houston, we have a squirter
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
