Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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