I feel like abortions should bother me more
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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